Double portion

First, I thank all of you for your continued prayers and support. I want to be brief today, but give you some important information.

Praise: I saw Dr. Gilbert today, and she believes the tumor is smaller and continuing to respond to treatment. She does believe that I will have to have a partial neck dissection since the swollen lymph nodes are not shrinking on the left side of my neck. She cannot say whether any surgery will be necessary on my tongue, but we are praying that it will not. She was very encouraging and is pleased with my progress other than the swollen nodes. I have 7 radiation treatments to go, and after that, will see Dr. Netterville, the surgeon, in about 4 weeks for further consultation. It is comforting that both Dr. Gilbert and Dr. Cmelak (radiation oncologist) think the tumor is responding. Of course, we must not forget, God is the Great Physician. He knows the plans He has for me. He is here. I pray and ask you to pray for no surgery on my tongue, yet not my will but His be done. As for my neck, I would prefer not to have surgery there either, but I have much more peace about that possibility. Pray as the Spirit moves you.

Request: I mentioned a good friend's dad, Mr. Carroll, in a previous entry. He found out Friday that his cancer is stage 4 with a 40% cure rate. Surgery is not an option at this point as the cancer is more advanced than first expected. As I mentioned before, it involves his bone. He just learned that he will have to have all of his teeth extracted before treatment begins. I urge you my faithful brothers and sisters to pray for him boldly. He has much to face, but we know that God is bigger than it all.

Every day we go to treatment, there are reminders that there are people suffering even more than I can imagine. Most disconcerting is the apparent lack of social support in many of the cases. It is heartbreaking to see people going through this alone. They need our prayers.

Let's pray together tonight ...

Awesome Father, You are worthy of receiving our utmost in praise and honor. You knew us before we were ever a worldly thought. You knew how our lives would unfold. You knew how we would respond to that unfolding. Now Lord, in these times found uncertain by us, steady us by Your great power and sovereignty. Let all of us who fear, draw near to Your comforting Spirit. May we never forget the price that You paid to cleanse our hearts and purify our hands. May we never forget that our suffering will never come close to Your suffering on our behalf. May we never forget that You are more than enough and that You are always here. May we remember in struggle, that the goal is still to know You and to know You more deeply. May we be moved into deeper relationship with You as we trust in Your great plans. Give Mr. Carroll complete healing and give his family a double portion of Your graciousness as You carry them through this journey. We love You. Your goodness cannot be described. Amen.

He is here

I apologize for my absence, but last week was a challenging one. The end of treatment is now in sight, though. As of today, I only have 8 radiation treatments to go! I cannot express how that makes me feel. The effects of radiation continue to worsen and take a mental and physical toll. I do believe that God has honored the prayers of so many and made them less harsh than they might have been. I know that many of you have prayed along those lines.

Tonight, I am short of words, but did want to pass on a few thoughts about Father.

When drowning in mucus, He holds me.
When mouth ulcerations blaze, He is here.
When vomiting attacks, He stays till the end.

He is mighty. He is true. He is loving-kind. He is holy. He is worthy of desperate praise. He IS.

I love Him, and I pray for complete healing in my physical body along with the healing of broken lives through His redemptive power.

For those who read these words and have not begun a personal relationship with Jesus, I plead with you to consider embarking on the greatest journey of your life - an everlasting journey. He loves you and wants to walk with you. Don't turn Him away. Read John 3 and Romans 10 - they are great places to start. Talk with a trusted pastor or friend who knows Jesus as Savior. Whatever you do, don't miss out on the biggest truth and greatest love of all time. Only in Him will you find the answers to life's important questions. Only in Him will you find eternal, abundant life.

Continue to pray that I will look to Him more than I do to the end of treatment. He is where my focus must be stayed. He is here. He has never failed. May we trust Him with childlike abandon.

Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid. -Mark 6:50

Something we can do together

I have missed writing you, but last week’s events left me feeling quite tired most of the time. I think the main contributor to my fatigue is the radiation treatment, but I also think it is helping tremendously. My tongue itself continues to feel better, and I am so grateful for that. The vicious side effects Doug mentioned, such as dry mouth, excess mucous, and mouth sores, are indeed daunting, but they wax and wane at this point. The excess mucous has a powerful mental effect as it creates a constant need to clear the oral cavity and adds to nausea, as well. Thankfully, the nausea Doug spoke of on Saturday following chemo has improved tremendously. I do continue to have hiccups, which apparently is an odd side effect of chemo that not many people seem to have, but they are lessening today; thus far, it happens to me after every chemo infusion.

That brings me to an update on the treatment plan. This past chemo infusion will likely be my last where the main treatment is concerned. Dr. Gilbert talked about doing three sessions of this particular drug if they could be completed by the end of radiation. There must be 21 days between each of the infusions, though, so there won’t be enough time for another infusion before radiation is complete. I only have 13 radiation treatments to go!!! God willing, they will finish up on August 7th. I am so grateful that this number is decreasing. I still need your prayers to cover me during these remaining days. Generally, head and neck radiation therapy just gets worse and worse until the end of treatment, and the side effects take various times to relent after treatment has stopped. I do feel as though I have been protected from the full severity of the side effects by your answered prayers. Thank you, but most of all, praise His Holy name. He is beautiful beyond our comprehension.

We’ll talk more about what happens following radiation therapy as these next few weeks pass. Right now, future plans are very dependent on how I respond to the rest of the current treatment.

Switching gears, many of you have asked if there is anything else you can do for me. There is. In fact, there is something we can do together. You know that I want to be healed from this disease, but I desire that God be glorified no matter what His ultimate plan reveals. One of the easiest ways to glorify Him is to tell of the great things He has done for us – to share Him with others. Every day, we come in contact with so many people who need His love desperately. Imagine what a difference it would make if we all sought out just one opportunity to tell someone about Him … what He has accomplished, His unwavering friendship, His power, that He is mighty to save.

We tend to get so scared at the thought of sharing our faith. For some reason, it has become safe to mention God in passing, but dangerous to share the redemptive truth of Jesus Christ. I think we are also scared, at times, because we have these misconceptions that we will say something wrong or that we are responsible for performing the redemption ourselves. Jesus simply told us to tell of His love for all and His intention to transform lives. He never said there was a perfect way to deliver the truth, but He was very clear that we should be making an effort to deliver it. He takes care of the rest. He performs the redemption. He is the only one worthy of doing so – the spotless One who gave His life to pay the penalty for all sin. He has already accomplished the great work that is to be done. We are simply charged with telling the world that He waits with open arms to accept all those who desire an eternal relationship with Him.

Here’s what I am asking us to do. Let’s diligently look for opportunities to share Jesus Christ and His love for all people along with His desire that all come to know Him as Savior and friend. You may already have someone in mind right now that you have been meaning to share Him with but have hesitated. Stop hesitating and start a simple conversation. We tend to treat telling others about Jesus like it is a dreaded sales job. Somehow, that has to stop. Our methods of sharing may look different every time we do so. At times, it may seem appropriate simply to ask someone whether or not they have a relationship with Jesus. At other times, that may seem too pushy. It may take months of further cultivating a relationship before we can share the amazing love of Jesus. One thing is for sure, if we follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, we cannot mess up. Remember, we don’t do the work – He does.

Let’s trust Him to guide us and try our very best to go tell about Him. Remember, it is all about Him. It is not about our church or about our religion or about us at all; it is all about the person of Jesus Christ! So, let’s go tell others about Him!

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. –John 3:16

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. –Romans 10:13

I love you all. Thanks for everything you are doing. All of your efforts, even if you have not heard from me personally, are greatly appreciated by my family and me. God bless you richly.

Good counts

Thankfully, Daniel's counts were good today, so he had his chemo infusion as well as radiation number nineteen! Now, he has fourteen to go - careful, everyone! He has had some nausea today, and at the time of this post, he senses more stalking him. Daniel will try to post an entry tomorrow.

Specific prayer requests:

-Breather from nausea
-Ease from radiation side-effects (They're getting vicious.)
-Healing
-God's will
-Mr. Carroll
-Thanks for answered prayers

Blessings to you all,

Doug

Things change fast!

My blood count was too low to get my chemo infusion today. I did have my appointment with Dr. Gilbert and my radiation treatment, though. Dr. Gilbert was very encouraging. She continues to believe my tongue looks better. She does predict that I will need a partial neck dissection after chemo and radiation are done to remove the nodes involved on the left side of my neck. They aren't shrinking enough at this point to make her think they will be back to normal after treatment. Of course, that remains to be seen. God is still in control of my health. I am not discouraged by this news. I trust He will see me through whatever treatment is indicated.

The plan now is for my blood to be rechecked on Friday morning in hopes of doing my chemo infusion later that day. I pray this will happen if it is God's best.

Radiation went well today - only 17 treatments to go! That sounds so much better than 33!

Thanks for praying and keep it up. You must get tired of me asking that, but it just means so much - every single prayer. I know there are times when you least expect it that I need your prayers so much and am benefiting from them intensely.

May God bless you all richly.

Today's events

- Appointment with Dr. Gilbert at 8:15.
- Radiation at 10:00.
- Chemotherapy (another long session) at 10:30.

My mucous seems to have increased tremendously overnight. Please say a special prayer for this long day ahead. I will need to feel His presence every moment - I know He will be there.

Thank you so much.

Have a great day.

But, that's not fair!

Have you noticed how obsessed we are with all things justice? Just take the top television programs, for instance. There's CSI, CSI Miami, CSI NY, CSI Alaska - okay, maybe I made the last one up, but you know they've considered it. There's Law and Order, Law and Order SVU, Law and Order Criminal Intent, NCIS, and my personal favorite, Criminal Minds. When you consider these as a group, reality TV doesn't seem quite so dominant. We are crazy for tales of just and unjust, right and wrong, fair and unfair. The obsession is passed on from our elders at an early age. Visit any playground in our country today, and you will inevitably hear it over and over again ... "But, that's not fair!" We learn very early to scream foul play, and most of us go on doing it loudly for the rest of our lives.

In fact, if we put forth the least bit of effort, I suspect that most of us could recall several times in the past few days, or maybe even in this day alone, when we exclaimed, "But, that's not fair!" What I find so interesting about this is how it dominates our culture, even Christian culture, but Christ never said it! Of course, if anyone ever had reason to make this exclamation, Jesus Christ did! Born to die, falsely accused, spat upon, mocked, scourged, and charged with bearing the sin of the world - yet sinless Himself. Indeed, He had good reason. As Oswald Chamber's pointed out, though, Jesus never looked for justice for Himself, but He never ceased to give it to others.

Regarding my cancer and whatever blindsiding trial you might be facing, it is so reflex to exclaim, "But, that's not fair!" I could go about my days in a perpetual childhood tantrum (and, I reserve the immaturity to do so on some days) mired in all that unfairness, but ... that's the problem. I would be mired. I couldn't really go anywhere. The thing is, we spend so much of our lives griping about fair and unfair when God never promised fair. Ask Job or Uriah or ... Jesus! What He did promise, as we've discussed before, is to be with us wherever we go.

I'll admit, there are days when I want to scream ... this isn't fair! I want my taste buds back! I want these sores gone! Get this mucous out of my mouth! Get this growth off my neck! Get this tube out of my stomach! I want pizza, I want Cokes, I want ice cream and cookies and cheeseburgers - this isn't fair! I'll probably have a few more of those days. I hope, however, that I (we) will be able to stop looking for fair in all circumstances. Rather, I pray that complete trust will replace tantrums. Our precious Father is good, and He will not leave us.

I love all of you very much, and I appreciate your prayers. I DO feel them. My weekend was dark at times, but God remained as He always does. Your prayers are priceless.

Now, I must ask you to pray for another. My dear friend, Brian Carroll (Elizabeth Pugh Carroll's husband), learned that his dad has been diagnosed with cancer just underneath his nose that has spread into the nasal cavity and into his cheeks. The bone is involved. Surgery at Vanderbilt is pending. Brian and Elizabeth have asked for God's will to be done and for all involved to be drawn closer to Him. Of course, they also pray for healing, but they also ask for peace with whatever God has planned. Please join me in praying for Mr. Carroll.

God's best for all of you.

22 left!

Today, I had my eleventh radiation treatment - only 22 treatments to go! The shrinking of that number does my heart so much good. This morning, one of the family said, "After today, only 22 treatments to go!" I have a rule against that, though, which I quickly disclosed. If you choose to declare how many treatments are left before the current day's treatment has taken place, you have to say the number that is currently left - not the number that will be left after that day's treatment. Meaning, it would have been fine for them to say that there were 23 treatments left, but not 22 after today. Even though it is true, it is jumping ahead, and it messes up the savoring of that moment right after treatment when I get to declare the new remaining number. Get it? I only have 22 radiation treatments left!

That's the good news about radiation. The possibly bad news is that I have hit the point during radiation when most patients start to have the worst side effects, including an unusual pairing of thick mucous and dry mouth, both relentless in their attack, along with mouth sores, sore throat, more difficulty swallowing, and dramatic skin burn. I call this possibly bad news, because I pray, and ask you to also, that God will lessen the intensity of these side effects if it pleases Him. I know He may not choose to do this as I am reminded of the thorn in Paul's flesh that was never removed, but I am also reminded of the fact that He has promised not to give me anything more than I can endure. Even more, I am reminded of the suffering our sweet Lord Jesus endured for us, and I know what I face cannot be compared to what He graciously endured for all of us. Even still, He has invited us to ask! And, ask, I will. I trust you'll do so, as well.

I also saw Dr. Gilbert today, and she made the comment that she thinks my tumor looks "much better." Now, that's the kind of thing you like to hear from your oncologist! I have also gained three pounds since last Tuesday, which is such a blessing. I am tolerating my tube feedings extremely well since the switch to pump infusion. Thank God for His provision. Eating had been such a source of stress. I'm very relieved to have that pressure removed.

One of the long-term side effects of radiation therapy to the oral cavity is persistent dry mouth due to salivary gland damage. Obviously, with my job and my singing, that would be an extremely disconcerting and maybe even debilitating side effect. Tomorrow, I begin a medication called amiphostine, which is designed to reduce this possibility. The jury is still out on its effectiveness as there is a lack of rigorous research available. Unfortunately, its main side effect is nausea, but not in everyone. Given my profession and other interests, I have decided to give it a try. If it nauseates me, I will just stop it. My first dose will be given tomorrow at 8:30 a.m. before radiation at 10:00 a.m. That will be the schedule going forward if it is tolerated.

My next chemotherapy infusion will be next Tuesday, the 15th. Again, it will be about a 5-6 hour process. Remember, I did not have bad side effects with the treatment, which often happens. We trust this will be the case again. I may or may not have a third infusion on August 5th. That will depend on tumor response to the next chemo, the remainder of radiation therapy, and simply how I am feeling. Just to remind you, after radiation ends on August 7th, there will be about a six-week break after which a CT will be done. If the tumor appears to have been eradicated, no surgery will be required on the tongue. If the lymph nodes look clear, no surgery will be required. On the other hand, even if the tongue looks clear, but the lymph nodes do not, I will have to have a partial neck dissection to remove those questionable nodes.

Some things for which to thank Him specifically (there are so many):
1. The tumor is responding.
2. Nutrition.
3. Sleep!
4. Such generosity from all of you.
5. Nausea and vomiting under control.
6. Pain is SO much better.
7. Such excellent care at Vanderbilt.
8. Prayers that I can feel!
9. Technology that keeps me connected with all of you.
10. Traveling mercies.

Prayer requests:
1. Always and above all, God's glorification throughout this journey.
2. Complete healing - yet, not our will, but His be done.
3. No nausea or other side effects with amiphostine, but successful protection of my salivary glands.
4. No surgery at the end - yet, not my will, but His be done.

Technological antique

Phone communication has been restored. Text away my friends. If you've sent me a text in the past few days, though, I didn't get it. Unfortunately, those could not be retrieved. It's a long story that has to do with the fact that I tend to use a phone until it qualifies as a technological antique. I'll stop there, but if you're really curious, Brad has a host of stories to tell in this department, and nothing makes him happier. I'll defer to him. So, I'm on the cutting edge again now (for at least 2-3 weeks, right?) and ready to hear from you.

Electronics are just good for the man's soul. Funny how a new phone can make you forget about those cancer cells for a minute.

Runt

Many of you have been keeping up with me via text messaging since talking has not been an option. I just wanted to let you know that for the past couple of days my phone has been having some issues. I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay her to rest. So, if you have sent me unanswered texts in the past few days, that is most likely the reason. Even when I am not able to answer them, Doug keeps track. Should have a replacement by later today. If not, I'll let you know. While I'm on here ...

A few other quick notes:
-I am feeling much better this morning mentally, emotionally, and physically.
-My first home feeding went great last night - no nausea or vomiting. Feeding makes me sound like some sort of animal. I just can't figure out what kind since, at this point, I envy the runt of any litter! That will change soon, though, praise the Lord!
-Thank you so much for all your generosity. You have given in many ways, and if I have not thanked you personally with an email or we haven't sent a thank-you card, please know that what you have done from gas cards to smoothies to music and everything outside and in between has been and continues to be so appreciated. My family gives thanks corporately often. It is my desire today that you feel our appreciation in a very personal way. We are so grateful to every single one of you.
-I sense your prayers. They are paramount. One of my favorite songs by Watermark is called More Than You'll Ever Know. The lines that jump out at me these days are ...

You'll never know what it means to me
Just to know you've been on your knees for me
Oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know

Thank you for getting on your knees for me at a time when it is often too physically straining to accomplish myself. Thank you for loving me so well.

I love you all, but God loves you better. That brings me back to one of my favorites ...

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Esphesians 3:17-19

I pray it for all of us.

The fanny pack payback

To all of you who have ever been the object of my derision for sporting a fanny pack, I must now offer my sincerest apologies. Please pardon my bondage to style and failure to embrace functionality. While in the hospital, I was put on some additional medication for nausea that is delivered via a continuous pump infusion. I was assured that it would be like an insulin pump. Have you seen the latest insulin pumps? They're like pagers and getting smaller all the time. This pump - more like a Gameboy. He needs a place to ride. Unfortunately, that place is in the eggplant colored fanny pack made just for him. Since I don't really have a fanny, wearing it around the waist is not an option. So, resting on my shoulder as I travel around is my brand new anti-nausea fanny pack turned man-bag. It's not cute. At this point, though, you could color it pink and label it Nancy's, and I would sport it just the same as long as it keeps the nausea at bay.

As Doug shared with you, those days before the hospital were very, very rough. I would have written sooner, but have not had the mental or physical energy to do so. Hospitalization for a few days with a switch to continuous pump feedings seemed the best answer to get my nausea controlled and my calories back up, and it has helped tremendously on both counts. Today around 4, I will start my first feed here at home. We are trusting that it will go very well.

I will keep this entry short as I still tire very easily, but I do want to make mention of one thing. If I'm repeating myself, please forgive me. Many of you are asking and have asked if there is anything you can do other than pray. We've all heard ourselves say at one time or another, "Well, I guess all I can do is pray." I can't tell you how many times I've uttered those words over the years not truly realizing their gravity. At this point, prayer really is all that most of you can do, but it just so happens that it is also the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do. We all have this need to get our hands dirty. It makes us feel like we have done more if we are needed for something hands-on. I'm sure many of you would line up to take me to my radiation appointments, and I am so grateful knowing I have that kind of network! Of course, I am also grateful that I have a family who is willing, able, and desires to fill those roles. Even though I have an amazing support system, this road is treacherous - it is dark, it has many detours, there are traffic jams, and there are enormous pot-holes. I need your prayers! Oh, how desperately I need them. So, when you think, "What can I do for my friend, Daniel?" Please, get on your knees for me. I need that more than anything, and I can assure you, I need it everyday.

Pray for:
1. complete healing and increased comfort in the meantime
2. His strength
3. His glorification
4. patience - waiting is so hard
5. for many without a personal relationship with Jesus to begin to understand what that means and experience it for themselves as a result of my struggle

Thank you for being with me on this excruciating journey. Thank you for coming alongside me.

Thank God for being with all of us.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Good minutes

Daniel warned us there would be dark days; the last few have been just that. On Saturday and Sunday he tolerated his tube feedings but was plagued by mild nausea. We anticipated a good week with weight gain, but at about 4:45 and then again at 5:30 on Monday morning, Daniel experienced extreme and sudden nausea followed by intense vomiting. We all know how unnerving it is to vomit, but for Daniel the irritation is exacerbated by his cancer. Every time the vomit contacts the tumor, his pain worsens. This drains him physically and also mentally because he anticipates what will happen if he "eats."

Daniel was scheduled for radiation on Monday at 12:30, and we kept that appointment. His tongue had developed a white coating a couple of days prior to that, and so we saw the doctor to ask him about it. He explained that Daniel was experiencing mucositis, a common side-effect of radiation. Briefly, radiation breaks down the cancer cells, which makes the mucosal tissue susceptible to ulceration and infection. Thankfully, the doctor said he saw no infection yet. The trade-off for Daniel is that the radiation has lessened the pain of the cancer itself, but now he is beginning to experience its nasty consequences. He is constantly irritated by mucous; unfortunately, he doesn't have the strength to clear his mouth as he would like, and honestly it just hurts. Tonight, he's using a suction machine, which is providing welcomed relief. We will be getting one for home soon. The doctor weighed Daniel, which brings us to today's hospitalization. He had lost another three and a half pounds since last week. You must remember, though, that he had chemotherapy last Tuesday, which meant little or no food the following couple of days, and he had the PEG tube placement last Thursday, which meant no food eight hours prior to the procedure. He didn't get to eat anything until Friday morning at about 10:00 - a couple of bites of JELL-O and one practice tube feeding. So really, last week was a bust food-wise. Daniel has lost almost 24 pounds since April 9.

On Monday evening and again this morning, Daniel consumed very small amounts of tube feeding, but this morning, he vomited again. He had decided last night that he would ask Dr. Gilbert today to admit him to build up his strength and hopefully help him adjust to the feedings; he also thought he should be switched to a continuous pump rather than intermittent syringe feeding. His visit with her started out something like this, "I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but . . ." She said he was exactly correct. What else would one say to Daniel! He went to radiation after that and then was sent to the chemo infusion area for fluids. Unlike last Thursday, we were given a room within a couple of hours.

He has rested for most of the evening but is actually channel-surfing at the moment. The new chemo he's on causes ringing in his ears and magnifies other noises, so he's wearing earplugs. I'll probably have hearing loss because he's really cranked up the volume on the TV!

Daniel is very sick. As much as all of us are hurting, I can only imagine how he feels. All of you know how he loves life, strangers, adventure, running, climbing, music, worship, friends, and family. Every day he fights for all of that. His stalwart faith inspires us all, but he really needs you now. Pray for him. He covets that. We covet that. I know you are praying, but lift him up to the Father even more. While he is weak, help us stand in his place. Daniel may be slight in body right now, but his spiritual shoes are hard to fill.

For now, I praise God for suction machines, continuous feed pumps, loud TVs, and a few good minutes.

Specific prayer requests:

1. success for the new method of feeding
2. courage and increased faith
3. manageable side-effects
4. to stay close to God and focused on Him
5. healing
6. prayers of thanks for Daniel's medical team

Blessings to you all,

Doug

"Bless the Lord O my soul and forget not all His benefits." -Psalm 103:2

Opportunities

Daniel's feeding tube placement went well. He posted Wednesday that this is a "simple procedure," but seeing him in recovery made me realize that his idea of simple is from a nurse practitioner's point of view! He was in recovery for about six hours as we waited for a room. One of the nurses explained to me that patients who will be staying in the hospital for longer periods of time receive first priority and that PEG tube patients just have to wait. Of course, I wasn't happy about that, and the nurse explained that she and her supervisor are working on getting that policy changed. During one of Daniel's cognizant moments, I told him what the nurse had said, and in typical Daniel fashion, he said, "That's fair." Unbelievable!

We were taken to an observation room for the night, and when Daniel feels better, maybe he'll share some of the humor about our meager accommodations. I must say, though, that he could not have received better treatment or had a more caring, competent staff. Never one to miss an opportunity, Daniel talked with several of his nurses and doctors about the Lord. Three nurses said they were Christians, and their faith certainly brought joy to me, and he was blessed by it as well.

As planned, Daniel was discharged on Friday around 11:00 a.m., and then we went to radiation for his fifth treatment. He is beginning to experience some side-effects such as skin irritation and pain in his mouth. The trade-off is that his pain from the cancer has diminished a little, which we're thankful for.

Daniel has rested for most of the day, which is another blessing. Hopefully, he will feel better soon and be able to inspire us again with his words.

We covet your continued prayers for his healing and for his side-effects to be minimal. All of you are a gift not only to Daniel but to his whole family.

God bless,

Doug

Male stubbornness

So much can happen in 3 days when you have cancer. I apologize for not writing to you sooner, but these last few days have been some of my most challenging.

As you know, Monday afternoon was my first radiation treatment. Most of you are probably wondering exactly what that entails. The treatment is given in a room much like a normal x-ray suite. I lie down flat on a table. Then, the custom-fitted mask that I described before is put in place over my head, neck, and shoulders and fastened to the table. Then, an x-ray-like machine rotates around my head and neck delivering the radiation. It is not painful other than the fact that I have to lie flat. Lying flat, which you may recall me saying, increases the pain in my tongue. I used a local numbing agent to help with that today.

Thankfully, I am not claustrophobic. Certainly, it would be much more difficult if that were the case. Still, though I'm not claustrophobic and have never been an anxious person, there is something about these treatments that is unnerving. I think most of it revolves around the uncertainty of how my body will react to the treatments. I have heard so many horror stories about radiation - terrible mouth sores, dry mouth, difficulty swallowing, hoarseness, stiff neck, skin burns, dental decay and more. So, each day, before going in for the treatment, it is almost impossible to remove these uncertainties from the mind. They have a way of looming over the entire process. Thankfully, it only lasts about 20 minutes. While I am lying on the table, I try to remember the verses I have shared with you about fear and all the encouragement and verses you have shared with me, as well. As I've said before, He knew this day would come long before I was born, and He is ready to supply my needs with precision. As one of my favorite songs reminds me, He is mighty to save. As a couple of you have reminded me, while I am receiving radiation beams for my cancer, He is also busy radiating His loving-kindness toward me. Three down - only 30 to go.

My first round of the more potent chemo was administered yesterday. The infusion went well. Unfortunately, today has brought some of my worst nausea. I have not actually vomited, though, which is a blessing, as it greatly increases my tongue pain. I am taking various anti-nausea medications and expect it to get better soon, especially with all your prayers. My next infusion is scheduled for 21 days from yesterday.

This brings us to the latest news, which I know Doug has already shared with some of you. Yesterday, Dr. Gilbert decided that it was time to place a temporary PEG tube. PEG tubes are placed directly into the stomach through the abdominal wall and allow for adequate nutritional and caloric intake when a patient is unable to maintain weight through oral consumption. Because of my intermittent nausea and often excruciating mouth pain, I have lost about 16 pounds in the last 2 months. Click on the link below for a very good explanation of PEG tube insertion and use. I think it will help to calm any anxiety this news might cause you.

http://www.oralcancerfoundation.org/dental/tube_feeding.htm

As you will learn from this article, placement of the tube is very simple and quick and not regarded as dangerous. Actually, I am relieved to be undergoing this procedure. Of course, I had hoped to make it through this process without a feeding tube, but that just stemmed from male stubbornness more than anything. At this point, I have embraced the fact that having the tube in place will greatly decrease the stress I experience surrounding eating on a daily basis. It is very difficult to plan meals around my pain, because it can be so unpredictable. Also, even when the pain is controlled, my appetite just isn't what it needs to be to maintain my weight much less gain any weight. The tube will be placed during a very short, one-night hospital stay. The procedure itself is scheduled for tomorrow (Thursday) at 1:00 p.m. following my radiation treatment at 11:00 a.m. I will be released around midday on Friday and will have my last radiation treatment of the week before coming home.

Some of you are probably wondering if this would be a good time to visit. I cannot express to you how much gratitude I have for every single one of you - for your prayers, your emails, your voice mails, your cards, your letters, your gifts, and your desire to help in any way you can. In light of that, I want to reassure you that you ARE helping me. You have no idea what it means to know that while I try to sleep or eat or just keep my chin up, that so many of you, in several countries, are praying for me! Given that I have felt so poorly this week, I don't think it is the best time for a visit. I would rather see you when I can actually spend time talking with you or at least writing you notes, and I don't anticipate feeling like doing much of that right now. I hate to be dramatic, but it has taken me hours to type this post tonight. I do look forward to seeing each and every one one of you once I am feeling better.

Since I mentioned pain quite a bit in this post, I wanted to try to be a bit more clear about my situation with you. It has been suggested to me by some of you that perhaps in an attempt to stay really positive and with many of my earlier posts centering around topics other than my cancer, I might not have given you a completely accurate picture. There is such a fine line between being accurate, being overly dramatic, and conveying my faith in God to deliver. Yes, at times, the pain is excruciating indeed. There have been days when the best I could do was sit as still as possible in my chair and pray for it to pass. What I want you to know is that I do get relief - my gracious Heavenly Father provides it as He hears your prayers and mine. Also, we are continually adjusting my pain medication regimen to try to find the optimum combination, but, of course, all of those possibilities come from Him, as well. So, if I have not portrayed the situation as precisely as I could have, it is only because I want us all to focus on Him and all the miracles of which He is capable. I realize, however, that for us to appreciate truly what He accomplishes, we will need a clear understanding of where he has brought us from. I will try, therefore, to be as clear as possible going forward.

There are so many things on my heart that I would like to share with you right now - thoughts that have been brought on by the cancer, but not necessarily about the cancer itself. Unfortunately, today I just do not have the creative energy to convey those thoughts in a way I would find acceptable. I trust they will keep for later.

I love all of you so very, very much and am truly grateful for you. Whenever you fret about something to do to help, just take a few moments on your knees. That is doing so much, and I will always be grateful.

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." -Psalm 56:3

I was sick

I'm sorry it has been so many days since I posted anything new. I intended to get up early enough today to compose a substantial entry, but my days are still very unpredictable. I have to leave very soon for my first radiation treatment (2:30 appointment), but hopefully I will have the energy to write tonight.

I did want to share a passage of scripture with you before I leave.

I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me ... I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me. -Matthew 25:35, 36, & 40

From deep within ... thank you for looking after me.

May you be captivated by Him today.

Poor Pluto

I think something lighthearted is in order this morning.

I'm not very diligent at keeping up with world events, but I did know that Pluto had lost its status as a planet some time ago. Then, a few days ago as I opened my homepage, I was informed that it would have to undergo a name change, as well. Isn't losing planet status enough? Apparently, it will now be referred to as "a plutoid." Not even a proper name. These people don't know when to stop. Poor Pluto.

There isn't a lot of news on the medical front today. Here are the highlights:

1. Radiation, as previously posted, begins Monday, June 23rd. I am scheduled for 33 treatments total. They will last about 25 minutes each.
2. A new chemotherapy regimen, which will be administered at least twice during the course of my radiation treatments, begins on Tuesday. On that day, I will have radiation and a six hour chemotherapy infusion.

Pray for:
God's glorification - may His grace be experienced by many as a result of my struggle.
Healing - He is able to restore me completely.
Courage - that I would abandon myself to Him anew each morning.

I love you all and thank you for walking with me during these hard times. I cherish every ounce of encouragement you offer.

On Fear

We have been studying Nehemiah at church. With the wall of Jerusalem in ruins, the people live in fear of attack. Nehemiah courageously responds to God's call to lead his people in the rebuilding process. As they begin rebuilding, the Israelites are constantly surrounded by their enemy and the looming threat of being attacked in the exposed places of their fledgling wall. They are afraid! Nehemiah reminds them:

"Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight ..." -Nehemiah 4:14

"Our God will fight for us!" -Nehemiah 4:20

Taking these promises on as shields, great progress is made so that only the doors are left to be set in the gates. The enemy, therefore, quickly begins taunting the Israelites that their hands will get too weak for the work, and it will be left incomplete. Nehemiah responds with this simple prayer:

"Now strengthen my hands." -Nehemiah 6:9

Indeed, God did, and the wall was completed in just 52 days.

We started this study on Nehemiah in January, long before my cancer diagnosis. Of course, I had no idea the life application it would soon afford. I remember my pastor stating that feeling fear is okay, but you cannot separate fear from God's presence. He pointed out that the command to fear not is usually followed by a command to remember God. We are human, so we will feel fear. As quickly as we feel it, though, we must remember our awesome God, who is capable of rescuing us from any fire.

Fire reminds me of the first Daniel, whose friends were rescued from it by the same God who rescues us today and who himself was rescued from a den of lions. It was after this miraculous rescue that King Darius issued this decree:

"In every part of my kingdom people must fear and reverence the God of Daniel. For he is the living God and he endures forever; his kingdom will not be destroyed, his dominion will never end. He rescues and he saves; he performs signs and wonders in the heavens and on the earth. He has rescued Daniel from the power of the lions." -Daniel 6:26-27

This passage from Daniel first brought me strength while I was working as a summer missionary in Estes Park, Colorado, during college. On Sundays, I led worship services in the Rocky Mountain National Park for travelers, but during the week, I worked at one of the attractions in Estes Park, which included go-karts, bumper boats, bumper cars, and miniature golf. The ministry looked for jobs that would help us make money for our upcoming school year, but also put us in a place where there was ample opportunity to share our faith. My job was a perfect combination. Indeed, I worked many hours and was able to save for school, but most importanly, I worked with about 30 other young people ranging from about 13 to 21. (I was 19 at the time.)

That area of Colorado had a certain spirituality about it, so the concept of God or at least a god, was not foreign. Jesus, however, as God and Saviour was definitely a new concept to many of those kids. A few of them seemed hungry to hear the truth about Jesus and how he had changed my life and most of the rest were at least tolerant of it casually being woven into daily discussions. (Jesus isn't something to be forced on others. He doesn't need us for that. If He wanted to force Himself on creation, He could have done that long ago. We are meant to testify of the difference He has made in our lives and let others know that He invites them into relationship with Him - an authentic relationship that breathes new life into every moment of every day.) One coworker, however, seemed to loathe me from the beginning. Granted, I think he loathed a lot of people and just life in general at times, but it was evident he had a special loathing for me. It became clear quickly that in attempting to show him the love of Christ, I would experience persecution. Indeed, he seized any opportunity to embarrass me, to make me feel out of place, to make me feel ... small.

Specifics aren't important. You need know only that he persecuted with skill. I feared having to work with him. It was never a fear of physical danger, though he was much bigger than I. His angle was purely psychological and every moment in his presence was dreaded. Then, God led me to this passage from Daniel. When I read that he had rescued Daniel from the power of the lions, I took it personally! I became Daniel (how handy that I had been given his name), and my coworker became my lion. I read this passage as God's promise to me that not only would he rescue me from the power of the lions, He had already done so! In my desire to honor Him, He would guard my way. My fear was harnessed every time I remembered God's promise to me.

Now, 14 years later, these verses are alive again. The lion has a different face, but the same God will deliver.

Because I know that feeling the fear is inevitable, I have sought out more ammunition against it in scipture. I'll share several of those findings with you later, but I wanted to share one more interesting thing I read regarding fear elsewhere first. It came from The Shack by William P. Young. Now, I know people either love this book or think it blashphemous, and I don't intend to endorse it or dog it. In fact, I haven't even finished it. I did find wisdom in this comment, though, and I think it's worth sharing no matter what you think of the book as a whole. In the book, Jesus poses this important question on fear: "Do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?" When I read this question, I realized that my fears surrounding radiation had indeed pictured me lying solo on the treatment table, heaving solo over the commode, and struggling solo to force food over mouth ulcerations. I was guilty of picturing my fear without the company of my best friend!

That brings me back to the ammunition I found in scripture, which never disconnects the Great Comforter from the fear.

"But Jesus came and touched them. Get up, he said. Don't be afraid. When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus." -Matthew 17:7

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." -Joshua 1:9

The examples are endless and this post could go on forever. Bottom line: My fear is real, but my Jesus is here.

He is there with you, as well.

Today's lowdown:
1. Radiation begins Monday morning. I am scheduled for 33 treatments to be given Monday through Friday lasting through the first week of August.
2. My new chemo regimen will likely start on Tuesday and be given in 3 six-hour sessions spread over the course of the radiation therapy.
3. It was a good day - I ate well again, had no bad side effects, and my pain is controlled with my current medication regimen.
4. Your encouragment means the world.

Relenting

I'm not sure where to begin today. My heart and mind are so full. I know you probably want more details about yesterday's visit, so I will begin there, but there is much I want to share.

As brother said yesterday, Dr. Gilbert did think the tumor had responded, if only a small amount, to last week's treatment. She was forthright that it did not show a drastic response, but still, there was a response, which is finally a move in the right direction. We have to keep in mind that until yesterday, this thing has been moving rapidly in the wrong direction with that relentless quality of which Dr. Sinard spoke. This week, it appears there has been some relenting, and I am so grateful to God for that news!

Let me change directions for a second here to mention that I am not surprised, and I don't think you will be either. God wouldn't tell us to pray without ceasing if it were a fruitless activity. Granted, our desires may not always be in line with his great plans, but it sure is nice when they are! Thank you for praying for this response - thank God, giving Him all the glory, for providing it!

As you'll recall, we were hoping for this news yesterday. Otherwise, I was looking at starting radiation therapy this coming Monday along with a more aggressive 2-drug chemo cocktail. Here is the new plan and the reason for its selection. Radiation has been in my future since almost the beginning. The only way I could have avoided radiation would have been if the tumor had been small enough to remove surgically and there were no positive lymph nodes. Since there was a positive lymph node in my neck from the beginning of testing, I was at least looking at radiation on my neck. After the tumor exploded, it became clear that I would need chemotherapy along with radiation on both the oral cavity and neck. When Dr. Gilbert first took over, she envisioned doing a 9 week round of my current chemo regimen, which would hopefully get a dramatic response from the tumor and also create a fertile ground for radiation to follow. Since I have not responded quite as dramatically to my current regimen as expected, Dr. Gilbert thinks it best to change directions. While she does not believe the really aggressive plan discussed last week is necessary, she does want to get more aggressive than originally planned. She cites my youth and healthfulness along with the "unkind" nature of my tumor as good reasons to do so. Besides, since radiation is down my road anyway and we haven't seen the typical response to chemo alone thus far, she wants to get radiation on board more quickly.

The good news here is that I do not have to start radiation on Monday. I will start it soon, though - probably Monday after next. Also, my chemo regimen will be changed from the current regimen to one stronger drug instead of two stronger drugs. (For my medical friends who are just dying to know which one, send me an email. I don't like cluttering up my blog with the names of chemotherapy drugs.) I will receive infusions of the new drug once every 3 weeks in addition to radiation treatments. These particular chemo sessions will still be outpatient, but will take about 6 hours due to some extra monitoring that must be done. Radiation treatments will last for about 25 minutes (actual treatment time) each and occur every day for 33 treatments. Once these are finished, I will be reassessed. Hopefully, no surgical intervention will be necessary. It is possible, though, that a less extensive procedure might be recommended. There could also be additional chemo in my future, but more than likely, there would be a break from treatment to monitor my progress with serial imaging. Bottom line is they won't stop until they think they have done everything possible to increase my cure rate percentage.

I'm sure you're wondering how I feel about all of this, and I want to assure you that I feel very pleased with yesterday's visit. I am thankful that I have another week or so before radiation begins, but also glad that Dr. Gilbert wants to get a little more aggressive. I am grateful that it doesn't have to start this Monday, which will give me another week to gain some more strength since I am now responding somewhat to chemo. I continue to feel like God has me in the palm of His hand. He has great plans, and He will accomplish them all. He already has revealed so much of his greatness throughout all of this, and I am confident He will continue to do so.

I do not walk blindly into the dark days ahead. Instead, I go with the command in Joshua 1:9 ... "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

One more short, encouraging note from yesterday - Dr. Gilbert gave me yet another anti-nausea medication. This is the big daddy of them all. I took it yesterday before treatment, today, and will take another tomorrow. She hopes this will completely eliminate the post chemo vomiting. Please add that to your prayers, as well.

I do have so much more I want to share outside of yesterday's visit, but I will save it for a later post - perhaps later tonight or tomorrow.

Hope you are all having a great weekend. Again, thank you for your amazing support!

Today's visit . . .

Daniel wanted me to write a quick note about today's appointment since he is, in his words, "in good spirits but wiped out." (The appointment was at 1:15 p.m., and we finished chemo at about 6:30 p.m.) Overall, today's news was good. The chemo oncologist thinks the tumor is better/smaller than it was last week - answered prayer - but she also said she sees radiation therapy in Daniel's near future. Her main reason is this: since the tumor isn't exactly melting away with chemo alone, a combination of radiation and chemotherapy is expected to work better; she said that Daniel is young and strong, and she believes his body can handle the two. Daniel will give more details tomorrow when he's had time to rest. Thanks to everyone for your fervent prayers.

Blessings to you all,

Doug (Sasquatch)

Thank you!

Just wanted to thank all of you for praying so hard this week! I will update the blog as soon as I can with today's outcome. I hope you all have a wonderful day. May God bless you richly.

Get the wood ready

Today's adventure:

I am scheduled to see the dentist this morning at 11:00 for removal of a couple of crowns that contain metal. If these were present during radiation, they could greatly increase the severity of my mouth soreness.

Of course, we have all prayed that radiation will not have to start on this rapid timetable, and I do not believe it will, but as my mother eloquently reminded me this morning ... even Abraham had to get the wood ready.

I hope you all have a great day today.

Trust Him with your lives - every little part.

Rest

I'm thankful to report that today has been a very quiet day. I don't have a lot to say, but wanted to at least type a short note to let you know how moved I was by all the prayers offered on my behalf last evening. You have no idea how comforting it was to know that so many of you were petitioning the Father simultaneously. There is no way I can adequately convey my gratitude. Of course, it is also comforting to know that the prayers did not stop after last night's meetings. I know you are continuing to pray - there is much rest there.

I am glad that we can all find rest in Him.

I do have some great news to report. I asked for prayer for my friend Bryan Larson when I started this blog. Some of you might have visited his site via my links. He was moved to a rehabilitation hospital this week and is doing extremely well with therapy. Praise God for His presence throughout every phase of Bryan's battle. Continue to pray for him as the rehabilitation process will probably be about 2 months long.

Also, I wanted to request prayer for the friend of a friend. Dr. Karen Barefoot is the dear friend of our practice administrator, Mischelle Ferrell, at Cumberland Family Care where I work. Recently, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had emergency surgery, which went really well. I have just learned today that she has arrived safely at Cookeville Regional Rehabilitation. We thank God for providing for Karen during this terrifying time as only He can do. I ask you to pray that He continue to comfort her during the long road of rehab.

One thing is for sure, no one is ever the only person facing daunting challenges. Sometimes, though, it is easy to get so tangled in our own experiences that we forget the plights of others. When I am ill, I pray that my heart would still beat hard for the needs of others. When I am well, may it beat even harder.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

May we continue coming to Him - not just for ourselves, but for all those who need His touch.

Prayer meetings

This is a message I prepared to be read at the prayer meetings taking place tonight. Some of you may not see it until the meeting is over - I apologize for not posting sooner. Thank you all once again and may God richly bless you for your sacrifice on my behalf!


First, I want to thank all of you for taking precious moments from your busy lives to pray for me. One thing an illness like this makes clear – all moments truly are precious. So, I thank you for taking time away from those things most important in your own lives to be here for me tonight. It is truly moving.

Next, as you meet, I want to remind you of something I discussed in my first announcement. It is so tempting to ask “Why?” That simple question can branch out onto many fruitless paths. Ultimately, the question has already been answered. We are taught in scripture that our purpose on earth is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. Instead of spending time asking why this happened to me, let’s spend our time praying that God will be glorified to the fullest degree through my illness.

I want to be healed, and I do pray that you will ask the Father boldly for complete healing, but most of all, I want His will to be accomplished. I want lives to be changed. I ask you to pray boldly that many, who are without a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be drawn into such a relationship as a result of my earthly struggle. Do you realize that if one soul is saved from eternal separation from God – hell - that it is worth all the cancer treatment that can be thrown my way?! It most certainly is. I pray for healing, yes, but I also pray that God makes a difference in His kingdom as He reveals His glory in my trials. I pray that many will come to experience the balm of relationship with the creator of the universe as they watch Him soothe me during these days.

There may even be some in attendance here tonight who have not begun a relationship with Jesus Christ, our perfect Redeemer. If not, don’t waste another precious moment. Seal your eternal destiny tonight!

For those of you here who have already given your lives to Jesus, who have already accepted His healing grace – make sure you aren’t wasting moments either. Remember, for you, eternal life does not begin when you die. Indeed, it has begun already! It began the moment you invited Jesus Christ to live inside you and direct your path. Start enjoying eternal life today! You get to be with the loving-kind creator of the universe for the remainder of your existence on earth and forever and ever and ever! Your time with Him will never cease – don’t let the joy of this truth escape you until Heaven. Start relishing it today – eternal life has begun! You have a Father who loves you and is with you wherever you go and whatever you face. So, go about your day glorifying Him with your decisions and enjoying his unfathomable goodness – it truly is everywhere even in the midst of earthly confusion, especially in the midst of earthly confusion!

May His Word strengthen us tonight and always …

“Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.” – Job 13:15
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” – Joel 2:25
“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.” –Job 42:2
“The Almighty is beyond our reach and exalted in power; in his justice and great righteousness, he does not oppress.” –Job 37:23

My perfect Jesus

Several quick things to report:

1. My family has organized a special prayer service tomorrow night, Tuesday, June 10th, at the First Freewill Baptist Church in Livingston, TN. I may not be able to attend but will do so if I am feeling able. Everyone is invited. We know that all of you are praying continually, but my family thought it would be a good idea if there was a corporate meeting. Obviously, many of you will not be able to attend, but, if possible, we ask that you join us at 7:00 p.m. wherever you are.

2. For those of you in the Nashville area, some dear friends are hosting a satellite service in their home. It will be at Randy Smith's home at 7:00 p.m. His address is 6324 Murray Lane, Brentwood, TN 37027. Again, everyone is invited.

3. We are believing God for great things, one being that the current chemo regimen is working this week, and I believe that it is. Dr. Cmelak (radiation oncologist) and Dr. Gilbert (chemo oncologist), however, want me to come in tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m. to start the process of mapping my radiation. Like I posted earlier, a special mask has to be made for my treatments to guide the beams. This takes time, of course. So, if I go in on Friday and Dr. Gilbert does not see improvement (join us in asking God boldly that this will not be the case), my chemotherapy regimen would be changed to a more potent cocktail, and I would begin radiation next week.

I believe in my perfect Jesus. Nothing is too big for Him. As I've said before, nothing ever catches him by surprise. I also believe in being real with people. So, I want you to know that this is very difficult on the body, mind, and spirit. When you pray for me, you go to battle for me. Please keep fighting hard. I know the Savior is listening. He will deliver perfect provisions in perfect timing.

Meanwhile, I must embrace the exhortation of James.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

When He is finished with me, I will not lack a thing.

The myth of invincibility

No one ever really believes it will happen to them. Sure, almost everyone has had fleeting thoughts of being diagnosed with cancer, suffering a heart attack or becoming paralyzed. In those moments, some of us even sincerely try to imagine what it would be like, but we are simply incapable. It's like we have an invincibility chip in our brains constantly feeding us this line that we are above the fray. "There's no way that will ever happen to you." So, we have another fleeting thought of pity on those to whom these things have happened, and then we are on with our day, content living in the myth of invincibility.

Then, like a hurricane in a pond, you are told you have tongue cancer at the age of 33 even though your past medical history is as clean a 10-year-old's, you don't smoke, you don't dip, and you're not nursing the bottle. Suddenly, myth moves out and emotion moves in. Myth was a quiet, neat, and predictable roommate. Emotion is loud, messy, and has multiple personalities. Unwelcome are shock, denial, anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear. Welcome, however, are courage, determination, faith, hope, trust, and gratitude. Thank God for the welcome ones.

I'd like to share a little of my gratitude. I was diagnosed with cancer on April 18, almost 2 months ago now. Month to month, week to week, day to day, hour to hour, and sometimes even minute to minute, I am receiving encouragement from loads of people ranging from immediate family to many that I don't even know.

This is a photo of a luminary created in my honor for a relay for life vigil in Michigan by my friend Scott Moran's in-laws. Scott and I became really good friends at Vanderbilt. His wife, Kathy, is very special, too. She is now attending Vanderbilt herself - soon, they will be quite the medical team. Kathy's family, who lives in Michigan, created the luminary for me after hearing of my struggle, and I've never even met them! They still, however, took the time to make this for me and even personalized it with musical notes.

Below is a picture of a beautiful piece of art some of my dearest friends, Terrah, Randy, Lizzy, Brad, Rebecca and children (Connor, Davis, Griffin, Samantha, and Lee boy-to-be) bought me. It has a really cool story behind it. My church, Fellowship Bible in Brentwood, has a lot of artistic members. Every May, the church has a festival called Express, which seeks to glorify God by showcasing a variety of artistic talents, including music, dance, and visual arts. Terrah and I saw the original at the festival. I believe the artist, Meg Miller, called it Faith. I hope I'm not butchering her meaning, but I believe she commented that just like you have to have faith that a chair will hold you up when you sit, you have to have faith that God will hold you up during tumultuous times. Terrah and I were both struck by the chair and I commented that I needed one like it in my room to remind me that I have to sit still in faith and let God move.

Terrah didn't forget what I said, so when the gang wondered what to get me, she had the perfect idea. She tracked down Meg who agreed to make another one just for me. Meg commented that it was nice getting to pray specifically for me as she was working. That was very touching, of course. The gang gave this to me on Friday before my second chemotherapy session, and they all signed the back.

This is a photo of a prayer shawl made for me by more people that
I have never met. This was given to me by a friend of mine from my old job at Aspect Communications, Jennifer Gearhart McClure. This is a ministry of her mother's church. As they knit these shawls, they pray especially for the people who will be receiving them. It is meant to be worn while praying. The idea is that the prayers of those who made the shawl are covering you as you pray yourself. Jennifer wanted me to have this in the midst of making tough decisions about my treatment.

This gift was picked out especially for me by Terrah's little nephew Benjamin, who is about 2 years old. I've got a little Sprite in my Goofy cup right now!

This is a music box given to me by Debbie Cagle, Terrah's sister-in-law Brooke's mother. It plays How Great Thou Art. Debbie doesn't know this, but that is my favorite song to hear my brother sing. Now, I can hear it anytime I want.

Terrah gave me a book called Courage before my first chemotherapy session, and Brooke and Darren gave me Tony Dungy's autobiography.
This is a beautiful quilt made for me by Rebecca's mother Donna (who treats me like I'm one of her own), her friend Debbie (who lost her daughter to leukemia and has encouraged me like a long-time friend even though we just met), and Rebecca. The section with the heart has an inscription that tells me to wrap myself in the quilt and know that I am loved by many.


Of course, this isn't all the encouragement I have received. I couldn't begin to count the phone calls, texts, emails, cards, letters, prayer-grams, and well-wishes I have received. I have received many while typing this very post!

There's no way I could remember every kind gesture for mention in this post, but I hope all of you know the immense gratitude that I feel toward you.

I must not forget to give thanks to the Father, as well.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Join me in being joyful over salvation, praying for healing, and giving thanks for His perfect love.

Outlandishly gracious

Today, I saw my oncologist, Dr. Gilbert, and her nurse, Beverly, before going to my chemotherapy session. Dr. Gilbert was disappointed that my pain level had not decreased and the tumor had not shrunk at all after last week's infusion. Most patients who are chemotherapy naive see a quick response where both pain levels and tumor size are concerned. It is disheartening that my body did not respond as most do; however, it is still possible that I will begin to respond to my current regimen. Another treatment, therefore, was given as scheduled today.

I will see Dr. Gilbert again next Friday before my third scheduled chemo infusion. If, on exam, the tumor seems to have begun responding, we will continue the same regimen of chemo for a total of 9 weeks and then proceed to radiation and lower doses of concurrent chemo. If the tumor does not appear smaller next week, my chemo regimen will be changed to a much more potent cocktail. Of course, a more potent cocktail means a better chance of killing cancer cells, but also means more attack on healthy cells and increased side effects. Hair loss, which doesn't bother me, is one. The other is intense nausea and vomiting. For this reason, Dr. Gilbert would hospitalize me for about 4 days for the first round of the new cocktail so that she can administer drugs intravenously to help prevent the nausea and vomiting.

If we have to go with the new cocktail, I will also begin preparation for radiation therapy as soon as possible. A special mask has to be created, which I will wear during the treatments to help target the beams appropriately. Of course, the goal is to kill all the bad tissue and protect as much of the good tissue as possible. Radiation will be very rough since it involves the side of my tongue primarily. It is thought to be more tolerable when it only involves the back of the tongue or the very tip.

I want all of you to know that I remain positive and continue to place my trust in our outlandishly gracious and loving Father. He did, however, give me a very black and white, analytical mind. Because of that, I want to be straight with you. I can't expect you to pray as fervently as I would like if I fail to level with you. I know I posted recently that I have heard cure rates ranging from 40-80%, but realistically, my cure rate where earthly medical knowledge is concerned is probably more like 40%. I say that not to scare you or be dramatic, but to help you grasp the gravity of my illness, and in doing so, spark passionate prayers. See, I know the Father can heal me if He so chooses, but I do believe that He wants us to cry out to Him. I must confess, there are days when getting through hygiene details and meals and some communication on this blog take all my energy. So, while I am still praying and will be, I need you to pray in my stead. I know you have been, and my gratitude just continues to grow.

I really believe that God will hear us, and I will begin to respond to this current regimen. In fact, I am feeling better or as good tonight as I have at any point during this week. I believe God has already started making a difference through today's treatment, because of your bold requests on my behalf.

My brother reminded me today that God doesn't care about cure rate percentages. A dear friend reminded me that "really ugly cancer + infinite, relentlessly loving God = big miracle." They're both correct, of course.

There are many fun and positive things to share today, as well, but even though I feel better, my mind is tired and needs rest. I'll write about the good stuff tomorrow, God willing.

I love you all, but more importantly, Jesus Christ, the Creator and Savior of the world loves you. How 'bout that?

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:17-19